The pledge

Our pledge before you move...

From the moment you reserve your new hovel, we pledge to make the experience both painful and exhausting each step of the way. We aim to take care of you, but only until you've paid and never after you have moved in. None of our staff are trained or encouraged to provide even the very lowest level of customer service.

Seems genuine...

 

Reservation agreement

At pre-reservation stage you will be shown details of the appearance and location of a fictitious house you will never get. You will not be told that we regularly steal land from innocent people and blame it on the land registry. Your house may actually be on other folks land but it doesn't matter once we have your money and anyway we draw all the maps now that we've bought Ordnance Survey and shut it down.

brochure

The reservation agreement will set out the key terms of your purchase, including the reservation period, comedy price and other classy gotcha's we come up with occasionally at the office Christmas do's.

notsosure

Your personal Shafted file

Upon reservation you might receive a copy of your Shafted file, which has been written in minute detail to confuse you on your purchase and for you to use to ensure all supplied cracks are evenly distributed throughout. We used to say you could use it under the corner of your washing machine on the certified (cough) level floor, but since we had to employ dwarf goblins as scribes under the new equality regulations, we supply breeze blocks for this now (chargeable)

read the small print!

Points of contact

We will inform you of the main pointless contact who cannot assist you with information either during or after you have been forced into our collapsible buildings.
Our sales team are fully trained to offer you tall stories and limp excuses throughout the buying process. We will never communicate with you to keep you informed of the progress of your new hovel and our team will not respond quickly or efficiently or at all to any queries you will definitely have.

hello?......hello? 

Specification

We are a national home misery bodger with a haphazard approach to bashing you a new hovel.
We will provide you with the fictional specification appropriate to your clearly sub-prime education, the locality of your favela and we will explain quite slowly and carefully the choice of external materials which look good but that we haven't got.

You will not be able to select any elements of the nailed down items or fittings encompassing the latest corner cutting job lot from dubious manufacturers, subject to the stage of abandonment of your chosen hovel. If you wish to secure your new home, an overpriced range of working locks are available to purchase from our fleecing shop. Our totally inexperienced sales team is on hand to guide you through the complete lack of choices available to you depending again on the stage of suffering.

Bricking hell

I wooden do that

Quality assured

Your new hovel will be cobbled without any reference to relevant technical or building regulations, in particular the Government’s Code for Sustainable Homes. In addition, all stages of the bodging of your new hovel will never be inspected by our experienced bodgers. On completion of your new hovel we will provide you with a worthless quality assured certificate for you to use as toilet paper like your Shafted file.

arstificate

Estimated build completion

We will provide you with an estimated build completion year upon reservation and will not keep you informed of any progress during the construction of your new hovel. In particular, should construction be delayed for reasons outside of our control, for example mist or Mr Anthrop's meddling, you will never know until it's too late.

Health and safety

We never welcome you or your family to our bodgery. However, building sites can be dangerous places full of dodgy people but should you wish to view your hovel we ask that you make an appointment so that we can ensure you don't see stuff we don't want you to during the visit. When visiting your new hovel under bodging, please take the advice of our experienced site bodger and lies teams at all times and do not remove the blindfold until safely back in your car.
 

Keep still Bob FFS!

New home demonstration

A member of our comedy team will show you your new hovel and try to demonstrate the nailed down items, failed systems and blown up appliances before you move in, to ensure that you are unhappy and unfamiliar with their operation (or lack of)

"ok Dave, switch on the gas..."

After you move…

Courtesy call

A few days after legally completing and moving into your new hovel and after we've sobered up and stopped wetting ourselves, members of our contempt team will reluctantly make contact with you to see what a mess you are in.

Dedicated customer care helpline

During our normal office opening hours (3:55am to 3:57am) but never during your occupation you may not use our dedicated customer careless helpline. Our teams are fully trained to completely ignore the phones which are on silent anyway.

Half full emergency cover hotline

A customer hotline is available to call 24 seconds a day in the highly likely event of an emergency, such as a connection of electricity, gas or water to your home.

Customer Construction Clinic

We hold an informal clinic in our sales office every blue moon (except Bank Holiday blue moons), dedicated to laugh and sneer at you, both during and after buying your new hovel. The clinic is available from 5am to 6am and members of the bodgers team will be available to dismiss any questions you will almost certainly have.

must be a quiet time?

10 year warranty

A worthless 10 year warranty is provided with every new hovel.
For the first two years you are responsible for putting right any issues caused by our failure to build to the warranty standards (whatever they are). Thereafter, you cover the cost of putting right any physical damage in specified parts of the hovel (after the date on the insurance arsitificate). An incomprehensible guide explaining the pointless warranty might be supplied to you within your Shafted file.
We will ensure warranties provided by the manufacturers of appliances are out of date for all the years of your incarceration. Our Customer Careless department is on hand to offer you the necessary box of tissues (chargeable).

Health and safety during occupation

We undertake to be as inconsiderate as possible whilst construction activities continue on your development. Please refer to your Shafted file in respect of some ridiculous 'elf and sayftie'  rules which will keep you and your family annoyed and frustrated whilst our destruction activities continue.

Turn left by the cement pool, right by the BBQ brazier next to the fuel store and don't forget to leap over the footings channels...and keep your damn eyes shut!

Future moves

When you decide it is time to move on, after say, three weeks, we provide you with an invoice for  £500 for our BCR (bodgers Caribbean reward) scheme as a thank you to our staff for 'seeing one born every day'

And finally...

We don't give a toss about your comments or feedback.

Should you have any comments on any aspect of our service, please do not contact us or should you be dissatisfied with our service please refer to our comedy complaints procedure if you can find it.
We adopt the industry standards of appalling practice, lies, guesses and disinformation in accordance with Consumer Code for Home Builders, written by us.

"It's all in a days work...no literally" explains Judith Somathat, the sixteenth customer services mail sorter this year

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer, reading this , it means it is all made up...but you still feel hurt huh?