Home soil

After the Building Research Establishment announced their 'Home Quality Mark' scheme, a collective of existing buyers put together a retrospective scheme to indicate the quality of the homes they had already purchased to illustrate the real quality of current house building.
Based on extensive research, the collective published a form to describe their real world, non-marketing led experiences:

Please tick the box which mostly describes your new home:

Dire
Abysmal
Shit
Really shit
Appalling
Laughable
Depressing
OK*
Fantastic**


*a letter from doctor requesting sectioning required.

**Employees of building companies excluded from vote.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

House of card

There is delight at struggling Wernham Hogg Paper Company today as David Cameron announces a new initiative to boost the housing crisis. He decreed an additional requirement of 200,000 low cost homes for the first time under 40's to find their dream home.

Building Industry rock dwellers rubbed their hands with glee at the prospect of receiving 850% profit instead of the usual 500%. Union bosses were less than impressed that instead of using their skilled chipboard rippers, the big construction firms were intent on using reception class pupils and copious amounts of Pritt stick®

Pissemoff Homes spokesperson Juliet Cameron-Hogg said that they would bring additional employment to the sector and specialist training staff would be sought for this feature. When further pressed on these specialists, Ms Cameron-Hogg admitted they would be supply teaching assistants who are the only certified specialists in this field.
The government went on to say that if these measures were not enough then the next stage of this idea would be brought in, but declined to expand on the measures.

Miss Baker's class at milk break after morning build

In other news, toxic waste compacting company Faecalbrick PLC have announced a two million pound contribution to the conservative party.  

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

Paint your pallet blue and grey

Housing minister Brandon Lewis's demand for using new technology to speed up the building of new homes seems to have backfired as many of the big builders cut more corners in turning today's housing estates into vast complexes of firewood. Never one to miss a trick, Pissemoff Homes in collaboration with struggling pallet maker Sawpoint PLC fanfare their latest creation to satisfy Mr Lewis's forlorn ambition to hold onto power in May.

In an ironic twist, Pissemoff executives admitted to having talks with lawyers acting for the defunct  match makers Bryant and May with a view to using up the vast stocks of tinder dry match wood which was left after the company foundered in the early nineties.

An unlikely beneficiary of this move was a small British manufacturer of breathing apparatus (Gasper Ltd) who has received a massive order from the Fire Brigade for the anticipated aftermath.  
Mr Lewis, in yet another in a series of never ending gaffs, was quoted as saying "We need just this kind of spark of genius to get things really going in UK housing"
 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

Thanks to Paul Sherwood for his inspiration.

Is it on Mars?

The team responsible for the amazing discovery of the missing Beagle 2 Mars probe have been commissioned to act for a collective in a much more challenging search.
Aberystwyth University have won much praise in their diligent and time consuming detection work for finally solving the location of the ill fated brain child of the sadly missed Professor Colin Pillinger.

The collective, which is composed of many unfortunate victims of Pissemoff Homes PLC have formed a group whose sole aim is to see if they can locate the missing morality of Pissemoff Homes PLC. It was last seen in about 1975 and the current staff cannot remember whether they had ever seen it. A retired board member for Pissemoff said that he recalled seeing it on one of their ultra low quality kitchen worktops next to his Capri keys and can only think it must have fallen into the huge gap where the wall normally meets the cupboards. He couldn't recall which house this was even, as it was indistinguishable from all the same crap they built since.
So the spark of realisation occurred to one poor victim, Melvyn Carter, that this was precisely the challenge that faced the University searchers on Mars, looking for a small insignificant object in a sea of unending dull and featureless landscape.  Mr Carter had this 'eureka' moment whilst listening to the radio in his car. He was just adding net curtains to his car as he was spending more and more time in it owing to the forty odd members of the snagging team camped out in his house twenty four hours a day, when the story of the Beagle 2's discovery was expounded.
"We're very excited by this search", said Mr Carter, "to think that there is finally a real possibility that we can locate this small part of Pissemoff's humanity is a fantastic thought!"
"everyone in our collective of unhappy buyers contributed five pence to fund this and we raised the four million pounds required virtually overnight!", he exclaimed excitedly.
A spokesperson for Pissemoff was not as upbeat about the prospect and said that it was pretty unlikely that they would locate the morality but they might find the care, sympathy, empathy, pride, happiness, loyalty, courtesy, honesty and other parts that would render Pissemoff almost as lifeless and unprofitable as Mars. 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

General (non Pissemoff) blog is here