Home soil

After the Building Research Establishment announced their 'Home Quality Mark' scheme, a collective of existing buyers put together a retrospective scheme to indicate the quality of the homes they had already purchased to illustrate the real quality of current house building.
Based on extensive research, the collective published a form to describe their real world, non-marketing led experiences:

Please tick the box which mostly describes your new home:

Dire
Abysmal
Shit
Really shit
Appalling
Laughable
Depressing
OK*
Fantastic**


*a letter from doctor requesting sectioning required.

**Employees of building companies excluded from vote.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

House of card

There is delight at struggling Wernham Hogg Paper Company today as David Cameron announces a new initiative to boost the housing crisis. He decreed an additional requirement of 200,000 low cost homes for the first time under 40's to find their dream home.

Building Industry rock dwellers rubbed their hands with glee at the prospect of receiving 850% profit instead of the usual 500%. Union bosses were less than impressed that instead of using their skilled chipboard rippers, the big construction firms were intent on using reception class pupils and copious amounts of Pritt stick®

Pissemoff Homes spokesperson Juliet Cameron-Hogg said that they would bring additional employment to the sector and specialist training staff would be sought for this feature. When further pressed on these specialists, Ms Cameron-Hogg admitted they would be supply teaching assistants who are the only certified specialists in this field.
The government went on to say that if these measures were not enough then the next stage of this idea would be brought in, but declined to expand on the measures.

Miss Baker's class at milk break after morning build

In other news, toxic waste compacting company Faecalbrick PLC have announced a two million pound contribution to the conservative party.  

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

Paint your pallet blue and grey

Housing minister Brandon Lewis's demand for using new technology to speed up the building of new homes seems to have backfired as many of the big builders cut more corners in turning today's housing estates into vast complexes of firewood. Never one to miss a trick, Pissemoff Homes in collaboration with struggling pallet maker Sawpoint PLC fanfare their latest creation to satisfy Mr Lewis's forlorn ambition to hold onto power in May.

In an ironic twist, Pissemoff executives admitted to having talks with lawyers acting for the defunct  match makers Bryant and May with a view to using up the vast stocks of tinder dry match wood which was left after the company foundered in the early nineties.

An unlikely beneficiary of this move was a small British manufacturer of breathing apparatus (Gasper Ltd) who has received a massive order from the Fire Brigade for the anticipated aftermath.  
Mr Lewis, in yet another in a series of never ending gaffs, was quoted as saying "We need just this kind of spark of genius to get things really going in UK housing"
 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

Thanks to Paul Sherwood for his inspiration.

Is it on Mars?

The team responsible for the amazing discovery of the missing Beagle 2 Mars probe have been commissioned to act for a collective in a much more challenging search.
Aberystwyth University have won much praise in their diligent and time consuming detection work for finally solving the location of the ill fated brain child of the sadly missed Professor Colin Pillinger.

The collective, which is composed of many unfortunate victims of Pissemoff Homes PLC have formed a group whose sole aim is to see if they can locate the missing morality of Pissemoff Homes PLC. It was last seen in about 1975 and the current staff cannot remember whether they had ever seen it. A retired board member for Pissemoff said that he recalled seeing it on one of their ultra low quality kitchen worktops next to his Capri keys and can only think it must have fallen into the huge gap where the wall normally meets the cupboards. He couldn't recall which house this was even, as it was indistinguishable from all the same crap they built since.
So the spark of realisation occurred to one poor victim, Melvyn Carter, that this was precisely the challenge that faced the University searchers on Mars, looking for a small insignificant object in a sea of unending dull and featureless landscape.  Mr Carter had this 'eureka' moment whilst listening to the radio in his car. He was just adding net curtains to his car as he was spending more and more time in it owing to the forty odd members of the snagging team camped out in his house twenty four hours a day, when the story of the Beagle 2's discovery was expounded.
"We're very excited by this search", said Mr Carter, "to think that there is finally a real possibility that we can locate this small part of Pissemoff's humanity is a fantastic thought!"
"everyone in our collective of unhappy buyers contributed five pence to fund this and we raised the four million pounds required virtually overnight!", he exclaimed excitedly.
A spokesperson for Pissemoff was not as upbeat about the prospect and said that it was pretty unlikely that they would locate the morality but they might find the care, sympathy, empathy, pride, happiness, loyalty, courtesy, honesty and other parts that would render Pissemoff almost as lifeless and unprofitable as Mars. 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

General (non Pissemoff) blog is here

Wanted - dead or alive

Photo attr: Jack Jones & James A Morris

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

The Bovis triangle

Fleets of mobile TV crews descended on a large housing estate in Shittington, Bedfordshire as news began to break worldwide over the stunning discoveries unearthed this week. The story began after a Facebook campaign to force Bovis Homes to clean up their act in terms of the hundreds of tons of mud they have left in the wake of their house building program. For years they have simply ignored the complaints over the thick brown sludge which forms the road system in their flagship estate 'Futtocks View'. Home owner and campaigner Daphne Brownley explained that her patience came to an end when the local Lidl store refused to let people in without being jet washed unceremoniously against a wall in the carpark. Lidl store manager Phil Wong, 17, said he was fed up with having to stay late every night to mop the floors especially since his mum began going out to bingo in the evenings leaving him to wrestle with the complexities of making his own pot noodle. Mr Wong had borrowed a neighbours jet washer and had demanded Jenny from the fish aisle gave the unfortunate customers a good going over before they entered the shop. Daphne had put up with this indignity for weeks because Lidl's own brand cheese puffs were on a ridiculous offer and she was chemically and psychologically addicted to them. The final straw was when Jenny lost her concentration as she gazed at Dazza from her special needs group as he drove past in his bright purple and rust Astra with exhaust pipes made from Pringle tubs. Jenny's momentary loss of attention meant the fountain of water hit Daphne square in the face and her hair extensions rocketed away from her scalp like a scalded cat and flew tumbling into the bargain rummage cages by the store entrance. An argument then ensued as Phil Wong insisted that Daphne paid for the extensions at the checkout like anybody else would.
After this event Daphne refused to leave her home but suffered a second crisis as the boxes of Lidl cheese puffs were dropped by the courier on her drive and got swept away during the mud's ebb tide. The campaign didn't take long to gather a huge swathe of momentum and once the tabloids got wind of the story Bovis Homes caved in.
A veritable army of green poncho clad muppets set about collecting the enormous volume of mud and depositing it on the newly stolen Pissemoff Homes land a few hundred meters away. Truck after truck of hastily siphoned mud revealed a landscape not seen since 1969 when Bovis bought the three hundred acre site for three shillings and sixpence and a contribution to the local MP's favourite fund.
Within two days of the operation beginning Shergar was found, after three the mystery of where Magician David Copperfield's jet went was solved. On the final day, a frail and haunted looking Lord Lucan was discovered living in a submerged container with furniture made from Bovis customer complaint letters and surviving on foraged cheese triangles.

It's just an Ilyushin

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Quasi-spatial time dilation differential spin momentum conjecture

The Royal Observatory Greenwich today appealed to house developers to rein back their accelerating home building schemes. The body responsible for maintaining time has detected an anomaly with the rotation speed of the Earth which consequently affects time.
Professor Ray Tompkins, chief curator at Greenwich explains that it’s down to the amount of bricks and concrete being dug from the earth and placed much higher up (further from the center of the earth) that leads to the slowing of the Earth’s rotation.

“It’s a little bit like when you spin on a swivel chair and put out your arms and legs, the spinning slows” he continued “if you pull your arm and legs in tight the rotation gets faster”

 

Prof Ray Tompkins FRCS MGTRE MBE RIP

“What we need to do is build underground, below where we get the clay for the bricks from”
He estimated that if the building continues unabated then our day could be as long as a week currently, within a few years.
Geoff Charmers from the treasury was dismissive of such claims but was observed slapping the back of a co-worker presumably at the thought that in a few years’ time no pensions would need to be paid since nobody would actually reach the requisite age before pegging it.
Unfortunately within hours of the claims, Professor Tompkins was killed when a colleague accidentally kicked him off the observatory balcony whilst testing the swivel chair hypothesis.

Time lapse

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Lemmings are revolting

Parliament square was awash with banners and flags being waved furiously by Lemmings from across the land. They are in turmoil after their national charity organisation 'Let's Not Jump' reported earnings massively down on the preceding years. Spokeslemming Ian Frazer was characteristicly loud in his criticism of rival charity 'Help To Cry' which the Lemming community accuse of diluting their income. "I can't believe these bastards, stealing our desperately needed money and frittering it away on bloody antidepressants, counseling and P.T.S.D. therapy, it does my head in!"
Help to Cry answered their critics with cries of 'Do it, do it, do it' which made matters even worse.
We asked several green and blue clad protesters what they intended as a reaction to this goading. A particularly unhappy member of the crowd shook violently for a few seconds then exploded into a thousand bits ( you need to be a certain age to pick this one up)
Help To Cry's patron Gwen Paltry said "It really isn't our fault that house builders have driven us to this level of dispair" before having her own meltdown and having to be helped into her private ambulance for treatment. Campaigner Lemmbek Ofeck, a former victim of Pissemoff homes, said that he had great sympathy with both parties and that there was a small chance that of the three hundred and forty two letters he had written to housing minister Dick Bowels MP he hoped that at least one might get read by an intern or similar. In the letters, Mr Ofeck had pleaded with the minister to appoint an Ombudsman to take control of the 'wild west' that was the state of the house building industry to bring an end to the misery and suffering endured by new-build owners and to prevent the use of dodgy walls, deep mud and faulty gas ovens as the new favourite causa mortis of the hapless Lemmings.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

The twelve commandments

You may be wondering why I called this the twelve commandments - well I once saw a confused site manager counting them on his fingers.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Tip Tramps

Found these in my toy box yesterday...

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Roads aren't just for Christmas

Hundreds of forgotten roads, abandoned at birth by uncaring builders in favour of their slightly more attractive sibling houses are crying out to be adopted by loving councils throughout the land.
Prospective adopters should be kind, forgiving, good with jack hammers and willing to overlook many hideous deformities and permanent damp patches.  

The orphanage

Ideally adopters will have gentle spray hoses to help remove the mud and mortar stains, and mobile first aid responders to fix the damage caused by the spraying.
Many of these unwanted roads have spent years without light, with large acne drain covers. Some have no eyes, others no names but at least only a few have lines or marks, it's pitiful.

Sleeping rough in cardboard box

 

Please do your best at this special time of year and tell your developers to get their sodding roads fit enough to be adopted!

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

help to cry scheme

The Government, buoyed up by what appeared to be a successful plan to encourage first time buyers to buy hugely overpriced, undersized and badly built shacks are showing their sensitivity to the aftermath of their folly by bringing a new pre-election initiative today.
Help to cry was launched by patron Gwen Paltry at a shelter for severely shafted new home buyers in Walsall. She began her launch speech but had to be helped from the stage by her entourage as she was clearly moved by the worthy cause.

Afterwards Gwen apologized for her characteristic behavior and hoped that the program would help others to let it all out and sob uncontrollably knowing there was someone, somewhere who gave a shit - there has to be...right?

...surely there must be?

...oh you're kidding me?

...really?

wow!

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

University of course

University of Middlesham

MSc in Modern Estate Construction

 

Course details:

• Deniable promise presentation and delivery
• Post–sales promise backtracking
• Morality erradication*
• Plausible excuse creation
• Hiring of unqualified workers from dubious backgrounds
• Firing of unqualified workers after minimum wage claims
• Arranging senior management meeting in sub-tropical locations
• Sub-standard material sourcing
• Entertaining politicians and planning chiefs
• Donation hiding techniques
• non-potential customer relations
• Making 9/10 scale show home furniture
• Designing 8/10 scale garages
• Spotting gullible clients
• Exploiting client vulnerabilities
• Persuading your teaching and nursing friends that their jobs are rubbish
• How to use Sellotape ® on leaking waterpipes
• How to use Sellotape ® on sparking wires
• How to use Sellotape ® on hissy gas pipes
• How to make the most of the Sellotape ® reps hospitality  
• Using leaf stalks in place of rawlplugs
• Explaining timing slippages as a Quantum effect
• Blaming everything on any god

 *medical intervention may be necessary   

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

Yob application

Junior Strategic Chancer

Description

Pissemoff Homes requires a dodgy Junior Strategic Chancer to work within the land stealing team based at their Head Office in the Death Star. You will principally be involved in the identification of new strategic land thefts and promotion of existing sites already stolen within the Company’s strategic portfolio. Additionally, you will be expected to have sound knowledge of up-to-date planning policy workarounds, assisting the team in forcing through inconvenient development control matters, coordinating and assembling vague planning applications and collating information from both external underworld consultants and internal enforcer teams, to find the best angle and making sure the local planning authority members have fantastic holiday breaks, or other kinds of breaks if uncooperative.

Qualification

The successful candidate should be unqualified or working towards disqualification, and must hold current fake UK Driving Licence. Ideally, you will be currently out of work either within a local crime gang or private practice consultancy (city gang) and looking to extend your wealth and further your career with a bigger bunch of crooks.

Skills

The successful candidate will have good poker faced lying and bluffing skills. You will be an enthusiastic, fast learner, hard man, self gratification expert and have the ability to use whatever it takes to tread on ordinary  people whilst being able to piss higher up the wall than your fellow gang members (except Daft Spader of course).

Application

Present your application to anyone you find under a rock and it will get here, they all work for us.

Daft Spader

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!