Monday, 22 December 2014

Wanted - dead or alive

Photo attr: Jack Jones & James A Morris

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Thursday, 18 December 2014

The Bovis triangle

Fleets of mobile TV crews descended on a large housing estate in Shittington, Bedfordshire as news began to break worldwide over the stunning discoveries unearthed this week. The story began after a Facebook campaign to force Bovis Homes to clean up their act in terms of the hundreds of tons of mud they have left in the wake of their house building program. For years they have simply ignored the complaints over the thick brown sludge which forms the road system in their flagship estate 'Futtocks View'. Home owner and campaigner Daphne Brownley explained that her patience came to an end when the local Lidl store refused to let people in without being jet washed unceremoniously against a wall in the carpark. Lidl store manager Phil Wong, 17, said he was fed up with having to stay late every night to mop the floors especially since his mum began going out to bingo in the evenings leaving him to wrestle with the complexities of making his own pot noodle. Mr Wong had borrowed a neighbours jet washer and had demanded Jenny from the fish aisle gave the unfortunate customers a good going over before they entered the shop. Daphne had put up with this indignity for weeks because Lidl's own brand cheese puffs were on a ridiculous offer and she was chemically and psychologically addicted to them. The final straw was when Jenny lost her concentration as she gazed at Dazza from her special needs group as he drove past in his bright purple and rust Astra with exhaust pipes made from Pringle tubs. Jenny's momentary loss of attention meant the fountain of water hit Daphne square in the face and her hair extensions rocketed away from her scalp like a scalded cat and flew tumbling into the bargain rummage cages by the store entrance. An argument then ensued as Phil Wong insisted that Daphne paid for the extensions at the checkout like anybody else would.
After this event Daphne refused to leave her home but suffered a second crisis as the boxes of Lidl cheese puffs were dropped by the courier on her drive and got swept away during the mud's ebb tide. The campaign didn't take long to gather a huge swathe of momentum and once the tabloids got wind of the story Bovis Homes caved in.
A veritable army of green poncho clad muppets set about collecting the enormous volume of mud and depositing it on the newly stolen Pissemoff Homes land a few hundred meters away. Truck after truck of hastily siphoned mud revealed a landscape not seen since 1969 when Bovis bought the three hundred acre site for three shillings and sixpence and a contribution to the local MP's favourite fund.
Within two days of the operation beginning Shergar was found, after three the mystery of where Magician David Copperfield's jet went was solved. On the final day, a frail and haunted looking Lord Lucan was discovered living in a submerged container with furniture made from Bovis customer complaint letters and surviving on foraged cheese triangles.

It's just an Ilyushin

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Quasi-spatial time dilation differential spin momentum conjecture

The Royal Observatory Greenwich today appealed to house developers to rein back their accelerating home building schemes. The body responsible for maintaining time has detected an anomaly with the rotation speed of the Earth which consequently affects time.
Professor Ray Tompkins, chief curator at Greenwich explains that it’s down to the amount of bricks and concrete being dug from the earth and placed much higher up (further from the center of the earth) that leads to the slowing of the Earth’s rotation.

“It’s a little bit like when you spin on a swivel chair and put out your arms and legs, the spinning slows” he continued “if you pull your arm and legs in tight the rotation gets faster”


Prof Ray Tompkins FRCS MGTRE MBE RIP

“What we need to do is build underground, below where we get the clay for the bricks from”
He estimated that if the building continues unabated then our day could be as long as a week currently, within a few years.
Geoff Charmers from the treasury was dismissive of such claims but was observed slapping the back of a co-worker presumably at the thought that in a few years’ time no pensions would need to be paid since nobody would actually reach the requisite age before pegging it.
Unfortunately within hours of the claims, Professor Tompkins was killed when a colleague accidentally kicked him off the observatory balcony whilst testing the swivel chair hypothesis.

Time lapse

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Lemmings are revolting

Parliament square was awash with banners and flags being waved furiously by Lemmings from across the land. They are in turmoil after their national charity organisation 'Let's Not Jump' reported earnings massively down on the preceding years. Spokeslemming Ian Frazer was characteristicly loud in his criticism of rival charity 'Help To Cry' which the Lemming community accuse of diluting their income. "I can't believe these bastards, stealing our desperately needed money and frittering it away on bloody antidepressants, counseling and P.T.S.D. therapy, it does my head in!"
Help to Cry answered their critics with cries of 'Do it, do it, do it' which made matters even worse.
We asked several green and blue clad protesters what they intended as a reaction to this goading. A particularly unhappy member of the crowd shook violently for a few seconds then exploded into a thousand bits ( you need to be a certain age to pick this one up)
Help To Cry's patron Gwen Paltry said "It really isn't our fault that house builders have driven us to this level of dispair" before having her own meltdown and having to be helped into her private ambulance for treatment. Campaigner Lemmbek Ofeck, a former victim of Pissemoff homes, said that he had great sympathy with both parties and that there was a small chance that of the three hundred and forty two letters he had written to housing minister Dick Bowels MP he hoped that at least one might get read by an intern or similar. In the letters, Mr Ofeck had pleaded with the minister to appoint an Ombudsman to take control of the 'wild west' that was the state of the house building industry to bring an end to the misery and suffering endured by new-build owners and to prevent the use of dodgy walls, deep mud and faulty gas ovens as the new favourite causa mortis of the hapless Lemmings.

Friday, 12 December 2014

The twelve commandments

You may be wondering why I called this the twelve commandments - well I once saw a confused site manager counting them on his fingers.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Thursday, 11 December 2014

Tip Tramps

Found these in my toy box yesterday...

Monday, 8 December 2014

Roads aren't just for Christmas

Hundreds of forgotten roads, abandoned at birth by uncaring builders in favour of their slightly more attractive sibling houses are crying out to be adopted by loving councils throughout the land.
Prospective adopters should be kind, forgiving, good with jack hammers and willing to overlook many hideous deformities and permanent damp patches.

The orphanage

Ideally adopters will have gentle spray hoses to help remove the mud and mortar stains, and mobile first aid responders to fix the damage caused by the spraying.
Many of these unwanted roads have spent years without light, with large acne drain covers. Some have no eyes, others no names but at least only a few have lines or marks, it's pitiful.

Sleeping rough in cardboard box

Please do your best at this special time of year and tell your developers to get their sodding roads fit enough to be adopted!

Saturday, 6 December 2014

help to cry scheme

The Government, buoyed up by what appeared to be a successful plan to encourage first time buyers to buy hugely overpriced, undersized and badly built shacks are showing their sensitivity to the aftermath of their folly by bringing a new ~~pre-election~~ initiative today.
Help to cry was launched by patron Gwen Paltry at a shelter for severely shafted new home buyers in Walsall. She began her launch speech but had to be helped from the stage by her entourage as she was clearly moved by the worthy cause.

Afterwards Gwen apologized for her characteristic behavior and hoped that the program would help others to let it all out and sob uncontrollably knowing there was someone, somewhere who gave a shit - there has to be...right?

...surely there must be?

...oh you're kidding me?

...really?

wow!

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Friday, 5 December 2014

University of course

University of Middlesham

MSc in Modern Estate Construction

Course details:

Deniable promise presentation and delivery
Post–sales promise backtracking
Morality erradication*
Plausible excuse creation
Hiring of unqualified workers from dubious backgrounds
Firing of unqualified workers after minimum wage claims
Arranging senior management meeting in sub-tropical locations
Sub-standard material sourcing
Entertaining politicians and planning chiefs
Donation hiding techniques
non-potential customer relations
Making 9/10 scale show home furniture
Designing 8/10 scale garages
Spotting gullible clients
Exploiting client vulnerabilities
Persuading your teaching and nursing friends that their jobs are rubbish
How to use Sellotape ® on leaking waterpipes
How to use Sellotape ® on sparking wires
How to use Sellotape ® on hissy gas pipes
How to make the most of the Sellotape ® reps hospitality
Using leaf stalks in place of rawlplugs
Explaining timing slippages as a Quantum effect
Blaming everything on any god

*medical intervention may be necessary

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Yob application

Junior Strategic Chancer

Description

Pissemoff Homes requires a dodgy Junior Strategic Chancer to work within the land stealing team based at their Head Office in the Death Star. You will principally be involved in the identification of new strategic land thefts and promotion of existing sites already stolen within the Company’s strategic portfolio. Additionally, you will be expected to have sound knowledge of up-to-date planning policy workarounds, assisting the team in forcing through inconvenient development control matters, coordinating and assembling vague planning applications and collating information from both external underworld consultants and internal enforcer teams, to find the best angle and making sure the local planning authority members have fantastic holiday breaks, or other kinds of breaks if uncooperative.

Qualification

The successful candidate should be unqualified or working towards disqualification, and must hold current fake UK Driving Licence. Ideally, you will be currently out of work either within a local crime gang or private practice consultancy (city gang) and looking to extend your wealth and further your career with a bigger bunch of crooks.

Skills

The successful candidate will have good poker faced lying and bluffing skills. You will be an enthusiastic, fast learner, hard man, self gratification expert and have the ability to use whatever it takes to tread on ordinary people whilst being able to piss higher up the wall than your fellow gang members (except Daft Spader of course).

Application

Present your application to anyone you find under a rock and it will get here, they all work for us.

Daft Spader

Monday, 1 December 2014

Location, location, vacation

The locations manager for celebrated film director Martin Scorvese has been unexpectedly sacked from his position amid controversy. Scorvese had just finished the last scene of his latest project 'Zombie Invasion Five', a sequel to his highly successful award winning franchise, when the announcement was made that Antonio Ramagucci had left the firm.
We tracked down Mr Ramagucci at a self help group therapy session at the Shangri-la Hostel in Bristol and he gave us an exclusive interview:
"we were looking for a suitable opening scene location in the film to show nice clean new suburbia before the apocalypse of zombies had begun. We had been promised by Pissemoff homes that we could use their new estate near Bristol, ironically called 'Dead Acres', if we gave them prime billing in the credits and they would put the residents up in cheap hostels. When I arrived at the estate I was totally blown away. It looked like the end scene after the hordes of rampaging zombies had waged war with the military in house to house guerrilla warfare, where the CGI had been skilfully added in afterwards - it was amazing!, fences all wonky with broken slats, roads swimming with thick mud, uneven roofs with broken tiles, garage doors piled with sand bags, front doors hanging by one hinge, cars half buried in holes in the drives, chimneys at bizarre angles, gardens awash with mud and bricks, gutters hanging vertically and angry people in dressing gowns beating workmen with broken plastic pipes. Inside was similarly perfect with damp soaked carpets, stained ceilings, loose bare wires coming out of walls and force four draughts all over the place. Many of the houses had the name of my favourite Beatles album scrawled on the walls and windows which I thought odd at the time. When I spoke to the occupants as to why the estate looked this way, I signed them up as extras immediately. They were haggard, with looks of resignation on their pasty faces and didn't need any make up at all. I myself became severely depressed during the filming and had to seek help from the poor overwhelmed doctor working out of the section 106 surgery before he was crushed to death by a stack of Prozac boxes. The problem came when filming finished as the estate occupants refused to leave the hostels to return home and Mr Scorvese was sued by Pissemoff. When I'm better I will start a commune to help these poor wretches get over their obvious trauma"

Pissemoff subsequently attempted to employ Scorvese's highly skilled digital artists to work on their own promotional video showcasing their Bristol development but the group declined the offer "Turning that pile of shit into something looking half reasonable is way beyond our capabilities or computing power" they said.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!