Wanted - dead or alive

Photo attr: Jack Jones & James A Morris

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

The Bovis triangle

Fleets of mobile TV crews descended on a large housing estate in Shittington, Bedfordshire as news began to break worldwide over the stunning discoveries unearthed this week. The story began after a Facebook campaign to force Bovis Homes to clean up their act in terms of the hundreds of tons of mud they have left in the wake of their house building program. For years they have simply ignored the complaints over the thick brown sludge which forms the road system in their flagship estate 'Futtocks View'. Home owner and campaigner Daphne Brownley explained that her patience came to an end when the local Lidl store refused to let people in without being jet washed unceremoniously against a wall in the carpark. Lidl store manager Phil Wong, 17, said he was fed up with having to stay late every night to mop the floors especially since his mum began going out to bingo in the evenings leaving him to wrestle with the complexities of making his own pot noodle. Mr Wong had borrowed a neighbours jet washer and had demanded Jenny from the fish aisle gave the unfortunate customers a good going over before they entered the shop. Daphne had put up with this indignity for weeks because Lidl's own brand cheese puffs were on a ridiculous offer and she was chemically and psychologically addicted to them. The final straw was when Jenny lost her concentration as she gazed at Dazza from her special needs group as he drove past in his bright purple and rust Astra with exhaust pipes made from Pringle tubs. Jenny's momentary loss of attention meant the fountain of water hit Daphne square in the face and her hair extensions rocketed away from her scalp like a scalded cat and flew tumbling into the bargain rummage cages by the store entrance. An argument then ensued as Phil Wong insisted that Daphne paid for the extensions at the checkout like anybody else would.
After this event Daphne refused to leave her home but suffered a second crisis as the boxes of Lidl cheese puffs were dropped by the courier on her drive and got swept away during the mud's ebb tide. The campaign didn't take long to gather a huge swathe of momentum and once the tabloids got wind of the story Bovis Homes caved in.
A veritable army of green poncho clad muppets set about collecting the enormous volume of mud and depositing it on the newly stolen Pissemoff Homes land a few hundred meters away. Truck after truck of hastily siphoned mud revealed a landscape not seen since 1969 when Bovis bought the three hundred acre site for three shillings and sixpence and a contribution to the local MP's favourite fund.
Within two days of the operation beginning Shergar was found, after three the mystery of where Magician David Copperfield's jet went was solved. On the final day, a frail and haunted looking Lord Lucan was discovered living in a submerged container with furniture made from Bovis customer complaint letters and surviving on foraged cheese triangles.

It's just an Ilyushin

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Quasi-spatial time dilation differential spin momentum conjecture

The Royal Observatory Greenwich today appealed to house developers to rein back their accelerating home building schemes. The body responsible for maintaining time has detected an anomaly with the rotation speed of the Earth which consequently affects time.
Professor Ray Tompkins, chief curator at Greenwich explains that it’s down to the amount of bricks and concrete being dug from the earth and placed much higher up (further from the center of the earth) that leads to the slowing of the Earth’s rotation.

“It’s a little bit like when you spin on a swivel chair and put out your arms and legs, the spinning slows” he continued “if you pull your arm and legs in tight the rotation gets faster”

 

Prof Ray Tompkins FRCS MGTRE MBE RIP

“What we need to do is build underground, below where we get the clay for the bricks from”
He estimated that if the building continues unabated then our day could be as long as a week currently, within a few years.
Geoff Charmers from the treasury was dismissive of such claims but was observed slapping the back of a co-worker presumably at the thought that in a few years’ time no pensions would need to be paid since nobody would actually reach the requisite age before pegging it.
Unfortunately within hours of the claims, Professor Tompkins was killed when a colleague accidentally kicked him off the observatory balcony whilst testing the swivel chair hypothesis.

Time lapse

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!