University of course

University of Middlesham

MSc in Modern Estate Construction

 

Course details:

• Deniable promise presentation and delivery
• Post–sales promise backtracking
• Morality erradication*
• Plausible excuse creation
• Hiring of unqualified workers from dubious backgrounds
• Firing of unqualified workers after minimum wage claims
• Arranging senior management meeting in sub-tropical locations
• Sub-standard material sourcing
• Entertaining politicians and planning chiefs
• Donation hiding techniques
• non-potential customer relations
• Making 9/10 scale show home furniture
• Designing 8/10 scale garages
• Spotting gullible clients
• Exploiting client vulnerabilities
• Persuading your teaching and nursing friends that their jobs are rubbish
• How to use Sellotape ® on leaking waterpipes
• How to use Sellotape ® on sparking wires
• How to use Sellotape ® on hissy gas pipes
• How to make the most of the Sellotape ® reps hospitality  
• Using leaf stalks in place of rawlplugs
• Explaining timing slippages as a Quantum effect
• Blaming everything on any god

 *medical intervention may be necessary   

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this, well done!

Yob application

Junior Strategic Chancer

Description

Pissemoff Homes requires a dodgy Junior Strategic Chancer to work within the land stealing team based at their Head Office in the Death Star. You will principally be involved in the identification of new strategic land thefts and promotion of existing sites already stolen within the Company’s strategic portfolio. Additionally, you will be expected to have sound knowledge of up-to-date planning policy workarounds, assisting the team in forcing through inconvenient development control matters, coordinating and assembling vague planning applications and collating information from both external underworld consultants and internal enforcer teams, to find the best angle and making sure the local planning authority members have fantastic holiday breaks, or other kinds of breaks if uncooperative.

Qualification

The successful candidate should be unqualified or working towards disqualification, and must hold current fake UK Driving Licence. Ideally, you will be currently out of work either within a local crime gang or private practice consultancy (city gang) and looking to extend your wealth and further your career with a bigger bunch of crooks.

Skills

The successful candidate will have good poker faced lying and bluffing skills. You will be an enthusiastic, fast learner, hard man, self gratification expert and have the ability to use whatever it takes to tread on ordinary  people whilst being able to piss higher up the wall than your fellow gang members (except Daft Spader of course).

Application

Present your application to anyone you find under a rock and it will get here, they all work for us.

Daft Spader

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

  

Location, location, vacation

The locations manager for celebrated film director Martin Scorvese has been unexpectedly sacked from his position amid controversy. Scorvese had just finished the last scene of his latest project 'Zombie Invasion Five', a sequel to his highly successful award winning franchise, when the announcement was made that Antonio Ramagucci had left the firm.
We tracked down Mr Ramagucci at a self help group therapy session at the Shangri-la Hostel in Bristol and he gave us an exclusive interview:
 "we were looking for a suitable opening scene location in the film to show nice clean new suburbia before the apocalypse of zombies had begun. We had been promised by Pissemoff homes that we could use their new estate near Bristol, ironically called 'Dead Acres', if we gave them prime billing in the credits and they would put the residents up in cheap hostels. When I arrived at the estate I was totally blown away. It looked like the end scene after the hordes of rampaging zombies had waged war with the military in house to house guerrilla warfare, where the CGI had been skilfully added in afterwards - it was amazing!, fences all wonky with broken slats, roads swimming with thick mud, uneven roofs with broken tiles, garage doors piled with sand bags, front doors hanging by one hinge, cars half buried in holes in the drives, chimneys at bizarre angles, gardens awash with mud and bricks, gutters hanging vertically and angry people in dressing gowns beating workmen with broken plastic pipes. Inside was similarly perfect with damp soaked carpets, stained ceilings, loose bare wires coming out of walls and force four draughts all over the place. Many of the houses had the name of my favourite Beatles album scrawled on the walls and windows which I thought odd at the time. When I spoke to the occupants as to why the estate looked this way, I signed them up as extras immediately. They were haggard, with looks of resignation on their pasty faces and didn't need any make up at all. I myself became severely depressed during the filming and had to seek help from the poor overwhelmed doctor working out of the section 106 surgery before he was crushed to death by a stack of Prozac boxes. The problem came when filming finished as the estate occupants refused to leave the hostels to return home and Mr Scorvese was sued by Pissemoff. When I'm better I will start a commune to help these poor wretches get over their obvious trauma"

Pissemoff subsequently attempted to employ Scorvese's highly skilled digital artists to work on their own promotional video showcasing their Bristol development but the group declined the offer "Turning that pile of shit into something looking half reasonable is way beyond our capabilities or computing power" they said.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!