Eeyore decides

The Campaign to Protect Rural England question the house construction industry site selection process.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

Cloak and digger

A six month investigation has uncovered a conspiracy between the house building industry and the UK border agency. A secret meeting held over several minutes had outlined government tactics designed to curb the politically sensitive immigration issue facing beleaguered politicians. In exchange for a land grab free for all and 'turning a blind eye' on NHBC claims, housing developers had promised to build such poor quality homes that new immigrants would turn their noses up at them. Whistle-blower Sam Harding, who wanted to remain nameless, recalled the minister's opening words to the consortium:   
"look you feckin cowboys, build shit houses and you can put them wherever you like, how does that sound?"

"deal!" shouted the consortium chairman and that was it. Everyone piled out into the limos and we all got hammered at the club.

The unnamed whistle blower went on to say that subsequently he was made redundant for no good reason "all I said was that I didn't think customers would notice the difference" 


Recent immigrant Khaled Jumaraigum who was seen carrying his entire belongings in six plastic B&Q bags said "I'm so relieved. I spend most days going back and forth to the diy store to replace and repair all the things that break, fall off, crack, creak, drip, hiss, spark and frankly I can't wait to get back to my corrugated lean-to in Calais. At least it was relatively dry, warm, draught free and you knew when the leccy would be on"   


Unfortunately things have gone from bad to worse as British born new-build owners had already occupied the French camps and fights had broken out over the ownership of the ram shackled huts and tents. Mr and Mrs Watson from Orpington, who had been in Calais for a few months said "we were happily settled in our corrugated lean-to which is a vast improvement on our three bed semi on the new estate, when a fellow from Eritrea served us with an eviction notice, bloody cheek!"


Thomas Bibbington-Smythe, a government spokesperson said "I think we rather goofed this one up a tad, but when I tried to meet the consortium chairman to get them to jolly well fix the problem, he didn't turn up but rang to say he'd definitely, definitely, definitely be round next Thursday...or Friday"

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!

No Santa don't!

Thousands of new-build householders are frantically making arrangements to spend Christmas with anyone who hasn't had a house built in the last two years. Last week, a senior lecturer at Warwick university carried out stress tests on roofs of an unidentified new-build in Hertfordshire.
The test revealed that although the tiles could handle a rough landing by a correctly loaded sleigh, the truss's could not be relied upon to carry the expected loads of this years vehicle.
Among the bizarre presents expected to overload the sleigh this year and wished for by the Pissemoff board, is a list of disgruntled customers and enough nails to keep the existing houses up until the guarantees are exhausted. The biggest single present though was expected to be a book of excuses, which was made from a small wood hurriedly cut down by contractors disguised as goblins (but you couldn't tell the difference, honestly). The final straw though were the thousands of paper notepads requested by unhappy buyers to be able to log the snagging effectively.

Joseph Daniels, from roof truss supplier BB (Bradford Balsa) denied that truss's were below minimum loading standards and cited several examples of where more than eight seagulls safely landed and took off from houses he had supplied and he provided photo proof, although Gemma Khan from Mrs Wilson's reception class questioned the authenticity of the evidence. 

Threegulls

Santa was suprisingly upbeat about the whole thing explaining that ever since his accident last year on a Pissemoff estate where the sleigh disappeared into a hole in an estate road, he avoids landing anywhere near them.
"you can spot the sh*t estates easily from the air and I just land on greenhouses thinking I've got a better chance on them, than landing on the boll*cks they build nowadays"  

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer reading this , well done!