The pledge

Our pledge before you move...

From the moment you reserve your new hovel, we pledge to make the experience both painful and exhausting each step of the way. We aim to take care of you, but only until you've paid and never after you have moved in. None of our staff are trained or encouraged to provide even the very lowest level of customer service.

Seems genuine...

 

Reservation agreement

At pre-reservation stage you will be shown details of the appearance and location of a fictitious house you will never get. You will not be told that we regularly steal land from innocent people and blame it on the land registry. Your house may actually be on other folks land but it doesn't matter once we have your money and anyway we draw all the maps now that we've bought Ordnance Survey and shut it down.

brochure

The reservation agreement will set out the key terms of your purchase, including the reservation period, comedy price and other classy gotcha's we come up with occasionally at the office Christmas do's.

notsosure

Your personal Shafted file

Upon reservation you might receive a copy of your Shafted file, which has been written in minute detail to confuse you on your purchase and for you to use to ensure all supplied cracks are evenly distributed throughout. We used to say you could use it under the corner of your washing machine on the certified (cough) level floor, but since we had to employ dwarf goblins as scribes under the new equality regulations, we supply breeze blocks for this now (chargeable)

read the small print!

Points of contact

We will inform you of the main pointless contact who cannot assist you with information either during or after you have been forced into our collapsible buildings.
Our sales team are fully trained to offer you tall stories and limp excuses throughout the buying process. We will never communicate with you to keep you informed of the progress of your new hovel and our team will not respond quickly or efficiently or at all to any queries you will definitely have.

hello?......hello? 

Specification

We are a national home misery bodger with a haphazard approach to bashing you a new hovel.
We will provide you with the fictional specification appropriate to your clearly sub-prime education, the locality of your favela and we will explain quite slowly and carefully the choice of external materials which look good but that we haven't got.

You will not be able to select any elements of the nailed down items or fittings encompassing the latest corner cutting job lot from dubious manufacturers, subject to the stage of abandonment of your chosen hovel. If you wish to secure your new home, an overpriced range of working locks are available to purchase from our fleecing shop. Our totally inexperienced sales team is on hand to guide you through the complete lack of choices available to you depending again on the stage of suffering.

Bricking hell

I wooden do that

Quality assured

Your new hovel will be cobbled without any reference to relevant technical or building regulations, in particular the Government’s Code for Sustainable Homes. In addition, all stages of the bodging of your new hovel will never be inspected by our experienced bodgers. On completion of your new hovel we will provide you with a worthless quality assured certificate for you to use as toilet paper like your Shafted file.

arstificate

Estimated build completion

We will provide you with an estimated build completion year upon reservation and will not keep you informed of any progress during the construction of your new hovel. In particular, should construction be delayed for reasons outside of our control, for example mist or Mr Anthrop's meddling, you will never know until it's too late.

Health and safety

We never welcome you or your family to our bodgery. However, building sites can be dangerous places full of dodgy people but should you wish to view your hovel we ask that you make an appointment so that we can ensure you don't see stuff we don't want you to during the visit. When visiting your new hovel under bodging, please take the advice of our experienced site bodger and lies teams at all times and do not remove the blindfold until safely back in your car.
 

Keep still Bob FFS!

New home demonstration

A member of our comedy team will show you your new hovel and try to demonstrate the nailed down items, failed systems and blown up appliances before you move in, to ensure that you are unhappy and unfamiliar with their operation (or lack of)

"ok Dave, switch on the gas..."

After you move…

Courtesy call

A few days after legally completing and moving into your new hovel and after we've sobered up and stopped wetting ourselves, members of our contempt team will reluctantly make contact with you to see what a mess you are in.

Dedicated customer care helpline

During our normal office opening hours (3:55am to 3:57am) but never during your occupation you may not use our dedicated customer careless helpline. Our teams are fully trained to completely ignore the phones which are on silent anyway.

Half full emergency cover hotline

A customer hotline is available to call 24 seconds a day in the highly likely event of an emergency, such as a connection of electricity, gas or water to your home.

Customer Construction Clinic

We hold an informal clinic in our sales office every blue moon (except Bank Holiday blue moons), dedicated to laugh and sneer at you, both during and after buying your new hovel. The clinic is available from 5am to 6am and members of the bodgers team will be available to dismiss any questions you will almost certainly have.

must be a quiet time?

10 year warranty

A worthless 10 year warranty is provided with every new hovel.
For the first two years you are responsible for putting right any issues caused by our failure to build to the warranty standards (whatever they are). Thereafter, you cover the cost of putting right any physical damage in specified parts of the hovel (after the date on the insurance arsitificate). An incomprehensible guide explaining the pointless warranty might be supplied to you within your Shafted file.
We will ensure warranties provided by the manufacturers of appliances are out of date for all the years of your incarceration. Our Customer Careless department is on hand to offer you the necessary box of tissues (chargeable).

Health and safety during occupation

We undertake to be as inconsiderate as possible whilst construction activities continue on your development. Please refer to your Shafted file in respect of some ridiculous 'elf and sayftie'  rules which will keep you and your family annoyed and frustrated whilst our destruction activities continue.

Turn left by the cement pool, right by the BBQ brazier next to the fuel store and don't forget to leap over the footings channels...and keep your damn eyes shut!

Future moves

When you decide it is time to move on, after say, three weeks, we provide you with an invoice for  £500 for our BCR (bodgers Caribbean reward) scheme as a thank you to our staff for 'seeing one born every day'

And finally...

We don't give a toss about your comments or feedback.

Should you have any comments on any aspect of our service, please do not contact us or should you be dissatisfied with our service please refer to our comedy complaints procedure if you can find it.
We adopt the industry standards of appalling practice, lies, guesses and disinformation in accordance with Consumer Code for Home Builders, written by us.

"It's all in a days work...no literally" explains Judith Somathat, the sixteenth customer services mail sorter this year

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer, reading this , it means it is all made up...but you still feel hurt huh?

and now live from...

We are just getting a live video feed from Pissemoff HQ on the meeting to decide on when to have a meeting to discuss where to have a meeting about why to have a meeting about the G3.

Live video feed

Our local correspondent Ernie Livin say's that's whilst waiting for the meeting to reach a decision he is going to Patagonia to walk through a minefield. He's taking with him thirteen black cats, a stepladder, a mirror and a hammer in the hope that it will all be over soon, one way or another. 

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer, reading this , it means it is all made up...but you still feel hurt huh?

Dave & Glitchy

As a result of several unfortunate 'accidents' this year NHBC have announced a new initiative to protect the only inspector still walking. They have expressed concern that, should Dave 'that was a close one' Johnson be injured in another accident then it means that there could be serious delays in arranging this years secret Santa. The organisation have employed special equipment and clothing to carry out the inspections.

Dave 'that was a close one' Johnson on inspection duty

Spokesman Bob Sworth said "we are pleased to announce that Dave Johnson is now fully protected against the probability of poorly installed services and substandard built in equipment. We are having to adjust the suit slightly to account for a previous injury to his prostate where a disgruntled customer actually carried out their threat regarding the damaged pipe, but we're confident that any inspections requiring Dave to bend down beyond his current capability can be carried out remotely with our other new purchase"

Dave, shortly after the pipe debacle kicked off

Bob Sworth explained that the chairman was delighted to bring in the new technology especially when he can control it with his iphone and let his grandchildren sign off the inspection from his Maldives office.

Dave, with his new companion Glitchy

Dave himself explained that he had named his new best mate after his pacemaker which was installed just before his first encounter with a balsa wood lintel (luckily)

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer, reading this , it means it is all made up...but you still feel hurt huh?

⠠⠛⠑⠞ ⠞⠓⠑ ⠋⠥⠉⠅ ⠕⠋⠋ ⠍⠽ ⠇⠁⠝⠙

 

With due deference to Canada's NATO twitter feed, here's is my guide for Pissemoff contractors who need reminding where they can comfortably play cards, shout, swear, smoke, drink, fall asleep and generally behave like they have been for the last few years and where they will wish they had a better barrister than us.

D'ya geddit chaps?

Got to glow now

I'm very worried about Pissemoff grabbing a slice of council land for their development.
If the council rollover/get mugged by Pissemoff and no remediation is done on this land (highly probable) then they are potentially building on irradiated ground.
Pissemoff have already made arrangements for potential buyers to dress for the occasion, but are they aware that they should wear this gear for over 1600 years to reduce their exposure by 50% and 5000 years to get it to 10%. I for one would be a little bored of the fashion in, say, a month, so how these folks will exist without killing each other I dread to think. I'm guessing the houses will be highlighted by Pissemoff as having super efficient lighting in the form of glowing dwellers. No need for light bulbs then, just welding masks to get to sleep.

Mmm..yellow's in this season!

Then there would be the issue of pets, and if they are anything like my dog it would gas itself from the inside before any fast flying Alpha particles managed to collide with it's brain.

gag bag

I'm guessing that new owners must abstain from all forms of physical contact as this could lead to physical deformities and a tendency to behave in a callous, in-humane, monstrous way likely to upset huge numbers of people...oh my god...now it all makes sense!

Ok, I have a plan. If or when we get a meeting with Pissemoff, I'm taking my Geiger counter and anyone I come across who exceeds the limits gets put in a barrel and buried somewhere appropriate, like Uranus. 

uberzombietector

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer, reading this , it means it is all made up...but you still feel hurt huh?

Waterwold

During the hiatus awaiting the Pissemoff dismissal of our report -is that prejudging this a bit?, I returned to my idea of the Kingbuncle slalom course inspired by string vests Heras fencing, Pissemoff's clayville idea and my trip to the olympics in 2012. I had a lengthy discussion over twitter with @lewdko56d4 - odd way to write Lord Coe I thought but he said my idea was 'sick' and 'off the hinges' which again I thought a strange choice of words for a member of the house of Lords.  I twatted him back that I would invite him to open the event and he said he was 'jacked' which sounded good but I wasn't entirely sure.

So after many many nano-seconds studying the Pissemoff house building methods I built the lighthouse and the raised seating for the event. I also built the quay to local spec as well but an early cabbage white clipped one of the main supports and the whole structure collapsed in a puff of dust. The Pissemoff workforce didn't complain this time as it all happened at 7:34 am which coincided with the mass startup of the big yellow diesels so it went unnoticed amongst the swirling clouds of soot.

Sure enough, within minutes of the first dew, the Kingbuncle course began to fill with 'slip'. Tickets sold like, well, tickets and the opening ceremony was marked by an exploding fuse box display by another local developer - amazing sight! They should pass on their pyrotechnic skills to Pissemoff.

Kingbuncle pairs event

@lewdko56d4 couldn't make the opening ceremony as he twatted that his ankle tag was working again so I persuaded Mrs Lovelylikemygran to cut the ribbon. Unfortunately this was all that was keeping the Heras fence panels in place and we lost three footballs, a blow-up hippo, some rabbits, the lifeguard, but most important of all, a signed edition of 'The developers book of scale' which was previously entitled 'Ted's book of small and far away'.

Scale

 
Suddenly the dew, gave way to mist, then finally drizzle without any warning from the met office.
There were chaotic scenes as the emergency services tried to contain the torrent but the white vans followed by the iron and steal cart, the Heras truck and the fisherman all disappeared into the distance. The canoeists all managed to reach the bank where we put some spare loft insulation from the development round them to keep them warm. Luckily they made it with only the merest loss of limbs due to frostbite.

Well, what a day! Thank goodness Pissemoff hadn't implemented the lorry wheel washing part of their planning permission obligations otherwise we'd all be gonners!


I had thought the event was an inspired idea but even this fella wasn't convinced...

Oh Jesus!

  
Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer, reading this , it means it is all made up...but you still feel hurt huh?

 

The Gar...

From careful study of the crayon drawings produced by Pissemoff, it transpires that in actual fact they only need the space of half Mrs Lovelylikemygran's garage. This got me thinking, and even though Mr Manofreason cautioned that this might not be a good idea, I was determined to be a good neighbour. I waited until Mrs Lovelylikemygran had walked to the local shops to pick up some more claymores and tripwire to prepare for P-Day and got to work.
The job was surprisingly easy and didn't take long. The Pissemoff contractors came over to complain about the noise and dust. I showed them my blue badge and they shrugged and went back to their card game.

Mrs Loveleylikemygran's twingo

Mr Manofreason looked aghast at my work and explains that this was a bad idea because the lights didn't work anymore. It turns out that Mrs Lovelylikemygran doesn't drive at night on account of her being blind in both eyes, so was delighted at our kindness.

All we needed to do now is to find a half competent construction worker to saw the garage down the middle and put a wall up on the centre-line. Try as we might, putting posters up in Kingbuncle windows, fly-posting in Pissemoff show homes, nothing, not a one had enough expertise to do the job. Apparently the issue was that the garage was made out of brick and none of the interviewees had seen or worked with a substance so strong and hard. Some even said it was a myth that such substances existed - the red mercury of the building world.
Turns out Mr Manofreason once broke a brick in half in karate when he was five so is technically overqualified.
Pissemoff had, in their original letter, offered as a gesture of good will (bless 'em), to carry out this work themselves but if I had wanted their idea of construction I could have spent the day mixing torn up bits of newspapers in a bowl of glue myself.

As no decision on P-Day had been set on account of only just having sent the report to Mr Callousgreedypig we decided to have a rethink and wait the few weeks it would take for him to work out how to open the envelope.

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer, reading this , it means it is all made up...but you still feel hurt huh?

The dream tour

I was lucky enough to find a golden ticket in the post which entitled me to a tour of the newly opened Pissemoff Homes drawing office. How could I resist?
Well I was amazed at the initial presentation given by one of the head honchos who explained that they had invested nearly fifty pounds in new technology to meet the exacting demands of the current housing climate.

Ted Honcho

He said that although it appeared that he knew what was inside this marvel of invention in actual fact it was all a mystery to him and that he'd leave the real wizardry to his firms eager design experts whom he had hoped to introduce to us but they were playing dead lions, so he couldn't.

Anyway, he led us down the corridor past the door marked  'customer service' . Curiosity got the better of me and I opened the door to reveal, well, nothing at all. It was like the Tardis but the other way round. We went past the complaints training room which was filled with telephone handsets attached to the ceiling by bungee cords. The trainees were practicing slamming them down into the phone holders on the desk with loud thuds and crashes -  some of the trainees were shrieking like banshees as they did so - quite extraordinary!

It was then at 07:36 that I woke to the starting of an eco friendly six cylinder 4.4 litre turbo diesel engine of a JCB and the dream ended but the nightmare continues...

Disclaimer: This story is satire - this means it is for entertainment only and is not true. Mr Anthrop accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of this information - it is all untrue. If you are a house developer, reading this , it means it is all made up...but you still feel hurt huh?

The G3 summit

Well, not tea round Mrs Lovelylikemygran, no it was to a Mr Manofreason's to discuss the next step. A Letter to Mr Callousgreedypig is currently in creation to see if Pissemoff can listen or even understand reason. Spoke with Chiefcityplanner earlier who explained that they were about to read the riot act to Pissemoff about trying to steal their land. Talk of issuing Pissemoff with a court injunction made me reach for the tissues. It would appear that Pissemoff have a number of major problems. The first is that in order to complete their housing, they need to 'acquire' the land from the G3. Secondly they need to buy the other land from the city council (ironically also our land). To buy this land there needs to be council agreement, a public auction, agreement from the locals (not a hope), a contamination investigation and remediation.

Now how could it be that they buy some land because the council say the land is theirs but get to steal ours because we are not the council?

Wow what a can of worms this is!

The second issue Pissemoff have is that the G3's land (and yes it's still ours until they have to bury me in it) is destined for social housing and is to be sold to the local housing association. How will the H.A. react when told that umm... gulp that...um...gulp...you are going to have to wait many months before we can build your flats and you aren't going to be able to cram as many people in as we promised...gulp. Does bulldozing Mrslovelylikemygran's garage in replacement for a hard standing sit well with social housing? - answers on a postcard.

The other joy is that whatever happens now, Pissemoff have to re-apply for planning permission which means the G3 and the local massif' can go to the planning meeting(s) and speak sense all over again!

It's ironic that I just want it finished and peace to return but the idiots that ruin run Pissemoff bought the land from another giant of mediocrity, Trailer Wonkeys who probably gave them the wrong GPS coordinates in the first place!

Caveat emptor - if you buy unseen or in this case unmeasured then it's your own stupid fault if you've been shafted by a competitor!
Intimidating and bullying ordinary folk into taking the hit for your own incompetence and lack of due diligence is shameful.

Not portfolio stocks